Living for God is so freakin hard.

I want His total control; and my complete surrender. How I would rest in this. How my mind would stop arguing with itself over what is right or wrong; if it were entirely defined by Him. I just want to be what He wants. I want to let go of my petty concerns. I have so many of them that I’ve never shared with anyone. I haven’t let my guard down yet. I want to. I want to let you in, but I can’t. I know that who I am is nothing. I hide who I am and I make it seem like something different. I drop hints, but you’re clueless. Most are Everyone is. Being intelligent is a curse. I wish I was smart; and not intelligent. Would that I had hoards of knowledge; and very little intelligence. I would love to not have to structure my life to anything, or anyone, but Him. I want this.

I strive. I move. I inch. I slide back. I hurdle. I get beaten. So many times. So many thoughts. I want to tell you a million things. I don’t know if you’ll ever know the struggle within me. I don’t know if I can ever love like I want to. If I do reach this, ever; it will be through His grace, His mercy, HIS provision.

Separation be the main cause for this. If I were closer, I would open. I wouldn’t feel like I need to stab who you are in the back when you’re not around. Is this what God is saying to me? Do I need to stop needing you before He’ll let me have you? I don’t know. I feel like you are supposed to be mine. I feel like He wants this. I know that He made me to need you. But is this coming between me and Him? I feel a sense of freedom without you. But I feel like I need you. This horrible paradox lies within me, and won’t let me sleep. It won’t let me move. I won’t let you go; because I need you. I won’t let you in; because I’m afraid. Therein lies all relational problems humans face in some level or another.

Dear Jesus, I need the sweet grace of Your love. I need to have peace. I need You. I don’t need humans. Help me see that nothing will be of any value unless it’s done in You. Make me be Your branches, as you said;

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

Give me this, oh God. Amen.