Addison Todd

Pieces

Addison Todd — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 03:26:12 +0000

God has been speaking to me lately about a lot of different things. Most importantly; my fleshly futility. There is nothing in my abilities without Him. I’ve tried. Bargained. Reckoned. Fallen. Tried again. Nothing works. Nothing I can do is worth anything toward my “goals.”

I have felt many times this past year that I’ve tried everything in a given situation. Maybe I have. But that is not what the Scripture’s teach. This is not the Christianity that I believe. God has recently and very abruptly shown me that it is “…not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. ” (Zech 4:6) He has taken my ambitions regarding things and desecrated them to the point that only He can move. This hurts, and is humbling, yet relieving, and refreshing.

God, I need You.

“…I’m here again
A thousand miles away from You
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I’ve lost so much along the way…”

RED – “Pieces”

The song that the quote is from is available for listening in My Music in the navigation bar.

Top 7 Things I Learned in College

Addison Todd — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 02:36:17 +0000

Top 7 things I learned in my first semester of college.

1. When you’re 18; you’re (most likely) a total moron, for the most part incapable of handling yourself without adult supervision.
2. Being an RA in Parker Hall is the easiest job on campus.
3. Don’t spend all your money on food. You never know where your next cent is coming from.
4. The phrase “this is due on” can mean many different things.
5. Tests are hard.
6. Papers are easy.
7. Don’t spend all your time watching TV, or you’ll gain a lot of weight.

Updates

Addison Todd — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:04:08 +0000

I have made a few updates to the blog, folks. Most notably, that Twitter button that you’ll see below each post. I like the format a lot better. Also, I added a mobile edition of the blog. Meaning if you visit the blog on your mobile device, you’ll see a mobile version with full functionality for comments, etc. I also made commenting a little easier… Visitors no longer have to register to comment. Good stuff.

Take care,

Addison

lost soul

Addison Todd — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 07:13:25 +0000

I am a lost soul,
Tossed about like a child’s plaything.
My home is the driving edge of the wind.
I know no hearth or warm embrace,
I have no heart or purpose.
My mission is void and my actions lifeless.
I float upon the laughter of the living,
Knowing I’ll never breathe a laugh or break a smile.

–

Written on my phone while listening to someone practice the piano. Straight piano music for some reason always does this to me.

now.

Addison Todd — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:15:15 +0000

Now is a very confusing time for me. I don’t know where I am. Or what I’m supposed to be doing. I know that in my ear is encouragement, Truth, and The Word. These I hold to; for there’s nothing else that matters. Recently, I was informed that the Greek word, or one of them, (it’s irrelevant) is literally translated more towards belief. Not an “if” mindset, but a “when” one. This means a lot to me where I am. I am told of hope, and to “hope” for the moving of The Father in a given area of my life. But, it would seem, this is not a false and empty sense of I really want something to happen; but rather the heart belief that it will happen. Granted, my will is not the Father’s. But what I do know, is that The Father is working. Not in my time frame, and to my goals upon this earth, but for His ultimate Glory. What a blessing and privilege to be a part of that plan; however I happen to be involved.

Now, I want You, Father. Nothing else matters. My ideas of where to go and what to do have long since failed. My belief is in You, and Your ability to work in the people and events in my life for Your Holy Purpose. Help me to see this as my purpose; and not my ideas. I love You, Jesus.

“….Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait…”

love

Addison Todd — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 08:55:41 +0000

Once upon a time, love was beauty.
Once upon a time, love was happiness.
Once upon a time, I thought I was wrong.
Once upon a time, I was proved right.
Love is beauty.
Love is happiness.
Human happiness, and sensual beauty are fading and passing.
Deep happiness and a beauty in one’s life is forever.
The beauty is found in the choice to love, the happiness in the result of the choice.
Love is forever.
Regardless of whether or not one “achieves” anything, love is immovable and rigid.
Whatever one does or does not will not change the nature of love itself.
Love becomes true only when it becomes a choice, and is outright unexplainable.

news

Addison Todd — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 08:38:01 +0000

I have neglected to write for awhile.

I have a lot to say. I can’t say it. It isn’t because I cannot articulate, or because it doesn’t need to be said. I just can’t say it. I have the proverbial “mindload” of thought patterns. Despite the many angles of thought, they all center around a few singular themes and are very intimate and close to my heart.

In other news I’m beginning to get moved in and settled at Lindenwood. I’m trying to make the best of that AND working overnights at the hotel. I’m NOT convinced this job will work with school. At the present, however, it’s paying the school bill; and I have no other option.

Entering into a life I’ve never really embraced before, (that being an academic one) I’m quite nervous and apprehensive. I don’t really know what to expect, or how to go about “success” as it’s defined by the setting at hand. Frankly, I’m very scared.

help me abide, Father

Addison Todd — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 07:53:28 +0000

Living for God is so freakin hard.

I want His total control; and my complete surrender. How I would rest in this. How my mind would stop arguing with itself over what is right or wrong; if it were entirely defined by Him. I just want to be what He wants. I want to let go of my petty concerns. I have so many of them that I’ve never shared with anyone. I haven’t let my guard down yet. I want to. I want to let you in, but I can’t. I know that who I am is nothing. I hide who I am and I make it seem like something different. I drop hints, but you’re clueless. ~~Most are~~ Everyone is. Being intelligent is a curse. I wish I was smart; and not intelligent. Would that I had hoards of knowledge; and very little intelligence. I would love to not have to structure my life to anything, or anyone, but Him. I want this.

I strive. I move. I inch. I slide back. I hurdle. I get beaten. So many times. So many thoughts. I want to tell you a million things. I don’t know if you’ll ever know the struggle within me. I don’t know if I can ever love like I want to. If I do reach this, ever; it will be through His grace, His mercy, HIS provision.

Separation be the main cause for this. If I were closer, I would open. I wouldn’t feel like I need to stab who you are in the back when you’re not around. Is this what God is saying to me? Do I need to stop needing you before He’ll let me have you? I don’t know. I feel like you are supposed to be mine. I feel like He wants this. I know that He made me to need you. But is this coming between me and Him? I feel a sense of freedom without you. But I feel like I need you. This horrible paradox lies within me, and won’t let me sleep. It won’t let me move. I won’t let you go; because I need you. I won’t let you in; because I’m afraid. Therein lies all relational problems humans face in some level or another.

Dear Jesus, I need the sweet grace of Your love. I need to have peace. I need You. I don’t need humans. Help me see that nothing will be of any value unless it’s done in You. Make me be Your branches, as you said;

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

Give me this, oh God. Amen.

while I’m waiting

Addison Todd — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 06:38:38 +0000

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve you while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
–
“While I’m Waiting” by John Waller
via stlyrics.com

I know. I’m turning into a lyrics blog. Those that personally know me know what I’m going through. Perhaps someday I’ll publicly write about it, perhaps not. But this song is EXACTLY what my heart needs to be at this moment in time. Pray for me in this. Once mental peace returns, I’ll post again.

onward

Addison Todd — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 11:22:47 +0000

In our lives sometimes, it’s hard to define what we’re really striving for other than our human achievements. School, work, promotions, and relationships are really all human elements to life. Certainly God does bless us with these, and our abilities with which we achieve such goals and ambitions. He no doubt uses these in our lives and others to achieve His purpose on earth; His pure glorification.

However, I’ve been thinking about this lately; why would God care about the things we care about? If one were to list his highest priorities in life, and pit them against God’s priorities for the universe, I wonder how often we’d line up? Goals and priorities can surely be God given, and inspired of Him to reach his purpose for our lives. But what good is a job, unless we work as unto Him? What good is a place to live unless we’re living for Him? What good is a relationship unless we love with the true love of the Father? Why would God allow these things?

In His word, God tells us “delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart”. (Psalm 37:4) So it can no doubt be assumed that some of our human desires it falls within God’s plan to satisfy within us. His desire not only revolves around His ultimate glorification, but it also involves granting our desires. But only when we “…delight yourself in the Lord…” will he do this.

Dictionary.com’s definition of “delight” as a verb:

–verb (used with object)
3.to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly: The show delighted everyone.
–verb (used without object)
4.to have great pleasure; take pleasure (fol. by in or an infinitive): She delights in going for long walks in the country.
from dictionary.com

So there’s really two aspects to this idea of “…delight yourself in the Lord…”. The first one involves “giving pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to”; or to “please highly”. God has certainly created us to give Glory to Him or rather to “please” Him. But the second definition applies more perhaps. As the verse says “…delight yourself in the Lord…”. We can draw that this means to be delighted IN Him. Which, by definition means to “have great pleasure” or “take pleasure”. How can we take pleasure in our Lord? What does this mean?

Going back to the first paragraph about our human desires, it would seem that while God does intend to grant them for His glory, our focus need not be on such, but on delighting ourselves in Him. As the scripture says in Mathew 6; “31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you”. So while we do have desires, our “heavenly Father knows that you need them all” but in spite of that knowledge, we should “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you”. So when we seek GOD and DELIGHT in Him, only then will our desires be added to us.

In conclusion then, there is no point to worrying over our human needs, or our desires. God knows them, and intends to grant them as we seek Him. What a relief this is. So why is this article titled “onward”? I believe this truth explained here to be essential to serving God. We cannot move “onward” while being concerned with our needs and desires. God knows this. He rather plans to bless along the way as we seek first HIS Kingdom. I tend to find myself more concerned with my desires as opposed to delighting myself in Him, which is the only way that God will be able to grant anything I want. My purpose is to serve Him; until the end of time, amen!

Thanks for listening,
Addison