God has been speaking to me lately about a lot of different things. Most importantly; my fleshly futility. There is nothing in my abilities without Him. I’ve tried. Bargained. Reckoned. Fallen. Tried again. Nothing works. Nothing I can do is worth anything toward my “goals.”

 
I have felt many times this past year that I’ve tried everything in a given situation. Maybe I have. But that is not what the Scripture’s teach. This is not the Christianity that I believe. God has recently and very abruptly shown me that it is “…not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. ” (Zech 4:6) He has taken my ambitions regarding things and desecrated them to the point that only He can move. This hurts, and is humbling, yet relieving, and refreshing.

 
God, I need You.

“…I’m here again
A thousand miles away from You
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I’ve lost so much along the way…”

RED – “Pieces”

The song that the quote is from is available for listening in My Music in the navigation bar.

I am a lost soul,
Tossed about like a child’s plaything.
My home is the driving edge of the wind.
I know no hearth or warm embrace,
I have no heart or purpose.
My mission is void and my actions lifeless.
I float upon the laughter of the living,
Knowing I’ll never breathe a laugh or break a smile.

–

Written on my phone while listening to someone practice the piano. Straight piano music for some reason always does this to me.

Now is a very confusing time for me. I don’t know where I am. Or what I’m supposed to be doing. I know that in my ear is encouragement, Truth, and The Word. These I hold to; for there’s nothing else that matters. Recently, I was informed that the Greek word, or one of them, (it’s irrelevant) is literally translated more towards belief. Not an “if” mindset, but a “when” one. This means a lot to me where I am. I am told of hope, and to “hope” for the moving of The Father in a given area of my life. But, it would seem, this is not a false and empty sense of I really want something to happen; but rather the heart belief that it will happen. Granted, my will is not the Father’s. But what I do know, is that The Father is working. Not in my time frame, and to my goals upon this earth, but for His ultimate Glory. What a blessing and privilege to be a part of that plan; however I happen to be involved.

Now, I want You, Father. Nothing else matters. My ideas of where to go and what to do have long since failed. My belief is in You, and Your ability to work in the people and events in my life for Your Holy Purpose. Help me to see this as my purpose; and not my ideas. I love You, Jesus.

“….Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait…”

Once upon a time, love was beauty.
Once upon a time, love was happiness.
Once upon a time, I thought I was wrong.
Once upon a time, I was proved right.
Love is beauty.
Love is happiness.
Human happiness, and sensual beauty are fading and passing.
Deep happiness and a beauty in one’s life is forever.
The beauty is found in the choice to love, the happiness in the result of the choice.
Love is forever.
Regardless of whether or not one “achieves” anything, love is immovable and rigid.
Whatever one does or does not will not change the nature of love itself.
Love becomes true only when it becomes a choice, and is outright unexplainable.

I have neglected to write for awhile.

I have a lot to say. I can’t say it. It isn’t because I cannot articulate, or because it doesn’t need to be said. I just can’t say it. I have the proverbial “mindload” of thought patterns. Despite the many angles of thought, they all center around a few singular themes and are very intimate and close to my heart.

In other news I’m beginning to get moved in and settled at Lindenwood. I’m trying to make the best of that AND working overnights at the hotel. I’m NOT convinced this job will work with school. At the present, however, it’s paying the school bill; and I have no other option.

Entering into a life I’ve never really embraced before, (that being an academic one) I’m quite nervous and apprehensive. I don’t really know what to expect, or how to go about “success” as it’s defined by the setting at hand. Frankly, I’m very scared.

Living for God is so freakin hard.

I want His total control; and my complete surrender. How I would rest in this. How my mind would stop arguing with itself over what is right or wrong; if it were entirely defined by Him. I just want to be what He wants. I want to let go of my petty concerns. I have so many of them that I’ve never shared with anyone. I haven’t let my guard down yet. I want to. I want to let you in, but I can’t. I know that who I am is nothing. I hide who I am and I make it seem like something different. I drop hints, but you’re clueless. Most are Everyone is. Being intelligent is a curse. I wish I was smart; and not intelligent. Would that I had hoards of knowledge; and very little intelligence. I would love to not have to structure my life to anything, or anyone, but Him. I want this.

I strive. I move. I inch. I slide back. I hurdle. I get beaten. So many times. So many thoughts. I want to tell you a million things. I don’t know if you’ll ever know the struggle within me. I don’t know if I can ever love like I want to. If I do reach this, ever; it will be through His grace, His mercy, HIS provision.

Separation be the main cause for this. If I were closer, I would open. I wouldn’t feel like I need to stab who you are in the back when you’re not around. Is this what God is saying to me? Do I need to stop needing you before He’ll let me have you? I don’t know. I feel like you are supposed to be mine. I feel like He wants this. I know that He made me to need you. But is this coming between me and Him? I feel a sense of freedom without you. But I feel like I need you. This horrible paradox lies within me, and won’t let me sleep. It won’t let me move. I won’t let you go; because I need you. I won’t let you in; because I’m afraid. Therein lies all relational problems humans face in some level or another.

Dear Jesus, I need the sweet grace of Your love. I need to have peace. I need You. I don’t need humans. Help me see that nothing will be of any value unless it’s done in You. Make me be Your branches, as you said;

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

Give me this, oh God. Amen.

*sigh*
Wow I’m finally updating my blog. It’s like I forgot I had one. So… updates. I’m now living on my own. Or out of the house rather. I’m renting an apartment with my brother and our longtime mutual friend. I’m rather enjoying that. I purchased a very capable laptop, and purchased Charter’s internet and tv services. On that note, it’s one of the plans within the next year to completely overhaul this website and redesign the whole thing. I’m quite looking forward to it. I have many ideas in mind for what I’d like to see and offer as far as the design and implementation goes.
My current place of employment is Applebees. I’m a server. I love it. I hate it. ‘Nuff said.
I’m not currently in school, but that will probably/hopefully only last for a year. The original plan was to only take a year after high school to figure things out then go to some form of college. Well, I still have a very broad set of interests and haven’t a clue how I want to practically apply them in a real world setting. So ya.
My favorite new discovery in the entertainment world, (other than The Dark Knight) is the NBC comedy series, The Office. Amazingly witty, dramatic, and entertaining; it is by far my favorite TV series. Enjoy.
More to follow soon one would hope.
- Addison

I miss you.
I miss your look. The way you would roll your eyes at me when I’d act stupid. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss your hug. I miss your phone calls. I miss being the man closest to you. I miss the way you cared for me in a thousand little ways. I miss being the last person you talked to at night and the first one the next morning. I miss being able to love you like I had never loved anyone before.
I miss you. Do you miss me? I like to tell myself that you do. You probably don’t but I like to think you do; it helps me through the day. I don’t think there will ever be another chance for me to love. It’s as if life is as a waterfall. For a moment I can shine while I love you. When its over, I’m just flowing along my purpose lost.
I miss you.

Winter Jam… was…. awesome. Skillet is the best band ever.

John Cooper from Skillet at Winterjam 2008.

R.I. School Bans Talking at Lunch
And why is that a headline? At Summer Encampment, we had silent meals…. What is this world coming to…?