I am a lost soul,
Tossed about like a child’s plaything.
My home is the driving edge of the wind.
I know no hearth or warm embrace,
I have no heart or purpose.
My mission is void and my actions lifeless.
I float upon the laughter of the living,
Knowing I’ll never breathe a laugh or break a smile.

–

Written on my phone while listening to someone practice the piano. Straight piano music for some reason always does this to me.

Now is a very confusing time for me. I don’t know where I am. Or what I’m supposed to be doing. I know that in my ear is encouragement, Truth, and The Word. These I hold to; for there’s nothing else that matters. Recently, I was informed that the Greek word, or one of them, (it’s irrelevant) is literally translated more towards belief. Not an “if” mindset, but a “when” one. This means a lot to me where I am. I am told of hope, and to “hope” for the moving of The Father in a given area of my life. But, it would seem, this is not a false and empty sense of I really want something to happen; but rather the heart belief that it will happen. Granted, my will is not the Father’s. But what I do know, is that The Father is working. Not in my time frame, and to my goals upon this earth, but for His ultimate Glory. What a blessing and privilege to be a part of that plan; however I happen to be involved.

Now, I want You, Father. Nothing else matters. My ideas of where to go and what to do have long since failed. My belief is in You, and Your ability to work in the people and events in my life for Your Holy Purpose. Help me to see this as my purpose; and not my ideas. I love You, Jesus.

“….Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait…”

Once upon a time, love was beauty.
Once upon a time, love was happiness.
Once upon a time, I thought I was wrong.
Once upon a time, I was proved right.
Love is beauty.
Love is happiness.
Human happiness, and sensual beauty are fading and passing.
Deep happiness and a beauty in one’s life is forever.
The beauty is found in the choice to love, the happiness in the result of the choice.
Love is forever.
Regardless of whether or not one “achieves” anything, love is immovable and rigid.
Whatever one does or does not will not change the nature of love itself.
Love becomes true only when it becomes a choice, and is outright unexplainable.

I have neglected to write for awhile.

I have a lot to say. I can’t say it. It isn’t because I cannot articulate, or because it doesn’t need to be said. I just can’t say it. I have the proverbial “mindload” of thought patterns. Despite the many angles of thought, they all center around a few singular themes and are very intimate and close to my heart.

In other news I’m beginning to get moved in and settled at Lindenwood. I’m trying to make the best of that AND working overnights at the hotel. I’m NOT convinced this job will work with school. At the present, however, it’s paying the school bill; and I have no other option.

Entering into a life I’ve never really embraced before, (that being an academic one) I’m quite nervous and apprehensive. I don’t really know what to expect, or how to go about “success” as it’s defined by the setting at hand. Frankly, I’m very scared.

Living for God is so freakin hard.

I want His total control; and my complete surrender. How I would rest in this. How my mind would stop arguing with itself over what is right or wrong; if it were entirely defined by Him. I just want to be what He wants. I want to let go of my petty concerns. I have so many of them that I’ve never shared with anyone. I haven’t let my guard down yet. I want to. I want to let you in, but I can’t. I know that who I am is nothing. I hide who I am and I make it seem like something different. I drop hints, but you’re clueless. Most are Everyone is. Being intelligent is a curse. I wish I was smart; and not intelligent. Would that I had hoards of knowledge; and very little intelligence. I would love to not have to structure my life to anything, or anyone, but Him. I want this.

I strive. I move. I inch. I slide back. I hurdle. I get beaten. So many times. So many thoughts. I want to tell you a million things. I don’t know if you’ll ever know the struggle within me. I don’t know if I can ever love like I want to. If I do reach this, ever; it will be through His grace, His mercy, HIS provision.

Separation be the main cause for this. If I were closer, I would open. I wouldn’t feel like I need to stab who you are in the back when you’re not around. Is this what God is saying to me? Do I need to stop needing you before He’ll let me have you? I don’t know. I feel like you are supposed to be mine. I feel like He wants this. I know that He made me to need you. But is this coming between me and Him? I feel a sense of freedom without you. But I feel like I need you. This horrible paradox lies within me, and won’t let me sleep. It won’t let me move. I won’t let you go; because I need you. I won’t let you in; because I’m afraid. Therein lies all relational problems humans face in some level or another.

Dear Jesus, I need the sweet grace of Your love. I need to have peace. I need You. I don’t need humans. Help me see that nothing will be of any value unless it’s done in You. Make me be Your branches, as you said;

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

Give me this, oh God. Amen.

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
 

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait
 

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve you while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
–
“While I’m Waiting” by John Waller
via stlyrics.com

I know. I’m turning into a lyrics blog. Those that personally know me know what I’m going through. Perhaps someday I’ll publicly write about it, perhaps not. But this song is EXACTLY what my heart needs to be at this moment in time. Pray for me in this. Once mental peace returns, I’ll post again.

In our lives sometimes, it’s hard to define what we’re really striving for other than our human achievements. School, work, promotions, and relationships are really all human elements to life. Certainly God does bless us with these, and our abilities with which we achieve such goals and ambitions. He no doubt uses these in our lives and others to achieve His purpose on earth; His pure glorification.

However, I’ve been thinking about this lately; why would God care about the things we care about? If one were to list his highest priorities in life, and pit them against God’s priorities for the universe, I wonder how often we’d line up? Goals and priorities can surely be God given, and inspired of Him to reach his purpose for our lives. But what good is a job, unless we work as unto Him? What good is a place to live unless we’re living for Him? What good is a relationship unless we love with the true love of the Father? Why would God allow these things?

In His word, God tells us “delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart”. (Psalm 37:4) So it can no doubt be assumed that some of our human desires it falls within God’s plan to satisfy within us. His desire not only revolves around His ultimate glorification, but it also involves granting our desires. But only when we “…delight yourself in the Lord…” will he do this.

Dictionary.com’s definition of “delight” as a verb:

–verb (used with object)
3.to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly: The show delighted everyone.
–verb (used without object)
4.to have great pleasure; take pleasure (fol. by in or an infinitive): She delights in going for long walks in the country.
from dictionary.com

So there’s really two aspects to this idea of “…delight yourself in the Lord…”. The first one involves “giving pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to”; or to “please highly”. God has certainly created us to give Glory to Him or rather to “please” Him. But the second definition applies more perhaps. As the verse says “…delight yourself in the Lord…”. We can draw that this means to be delighted IN Him. Which, by definition means to “have great pleasure” or “take pleasure”. How can we take pleasure in our Lord? What does this mean?

Going back to the first paragraph about our human desires, it would seem that while God does intend to grant them for His glory, our focus need not be on such, but on delighting ourselves in Him. As the scripture says in Mathew 6; “31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you”. So while we do have desires, our “heavenly Father knows that you need them all” but in spite of that knowledge, we should “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you”. So when we seek GOD and DELIGHT in Him, only then will our desires be added to us.

In conclusion then, there is no point to worrying over our human needs, or our desires. God knows them, and intends to grant them as we seek Him. What a relief this is. So why is this article titled “onward”? I believe this truth explained here to be essential to serving God. We cannot move “onward” while being concerned with our needs and desires. God knows this. He rather plans to bless along the way as we seek first HIS Kingdom. I tend to find myself more concerned with my desires as opposed to delighting myself in Him, which is the only way that God will be able to grant anything I want. My purpose is to serve Him; until the end of time, amen!

Thanks for listening,
Addison

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of standing. Dictionary.com defines “stand” in a few ways. For this article, I chose to reference the 4th, 5th, and 6th definitions.

4. to stop or remain motionless or steady on the feet.
5. to take a position or place as indicated: to stand aside.
6. to remain firm or steadfast, as in a cause.

from dictionary.com

Interesting. Take a look at the song “Stand” by Rascal Flats.

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

from azlyrics.com

That’s a good song. I enjoy it a lot. It’s interesting to note the implication that life’s problems are solved by standing. This might be true, and many of our difficulties perhaps stem from a lack of backbone. But on our own human power, “standing” will achieve nothing. Standing will be a temporary fix. A momentary climb up the mountain; only to slide back down again when “standing” becomes old and tiresome. I find that standing of my own willpower, which is very strong, leads to success. But such success is temporary. I ALWAYS fall back into the same behaviors, habits, and patterns. The process is mentally stressful. The “stand” is strove for once again. The the sweet taste of success fills my mental state. My step is lighter, my mood uplifted; and “victory” is mine. But then I fall once again. It usually takes longer. Each time I “stand” my victory is a bit longer lasting. I grow more “guts” each time. But I don’t want to grow guts. I want to be truly, lastingly FREE. Whatever sin or behavior ensnares me I want taken for good, never to return again. I want to not only be free consciously, but I no longer want the “fear” of sliding back to beset me. Where can this be found?

A few months ago at church I was introduced to the song “The Stand”. I’m not sure who wrote it, but Hillsong United does a decent rendition of it that you can listen to in “my music” at the top of the sidebar to the right. The main chorus is quoted below.

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

from letssingit.com

This is what I long for. We as Christians and as humans cannot achieve anything on our own. We in ourselves are nothing but simple masses of molecules strung together by basic reproduction, bouncing off one another in a sin-filled world. Only when we look upward and STAND with hearts abandoned, and our souls surrendered do we move forward.

“Standing” doesn’t come from “guts”, and it isn’t “bold”. It comes from a soul surrendered to the Almighty King, and a recognition that we cannot “stand” against anything, or for anything without Him.

In my next post, I’ll hopefully dive into the Bible, and define this “soul surrendered” some. I hope. Until then, give that song a listen. Uh, the Hillsong one; not the Rascal Flats one.

I hope you have a good day,
Addison

I have completely migrated my old blog to this new one. All the entries have been moved. I had trouble deciding whether or not to move them. My old entries can be divided into about 3 categories. First, there’s those in the not to distant past where I was learning so much about myself. Deep, vague, and moving. These offer a glimpse into the days to come. And by “days to come” I mean the last year or so. I love these. I love re-reading them and seeing where I’ve been, and what I began to learn.

A few of these include:
The Mirror
The Man I Once Was Part 1 and Part 2
moving
I Am This Man
and finally; untitled

 
Secondly, there’s the meaningless entries. And third, there are the entries that I cannot stand. I read them today and I despise who I used to be. My arrogance, and my “know it all” attitude must have made for disgusting reading. I doubt anyone currently “follows” this site, but if they do; I apologize. In the future, as God shapes who I become, I assure you we’ll see less arrogance.

 
I have been through so much during my dry spell of an online existence. I have fought apathy, depression, and I have wrestled with what I truly believe. I have found true love, in the Father’s hands. I struggled with whether or not to even continue blogging. I feel like nothing I have to say is of any value. I feel like I’ve made so many mistakes and have a host of shortcomings. I am determined to start afresh, and learn from what I believe has been taught over that last few years. I am enrolled to start school at Lindenwood University this fall; and I couldn’t be looking forward to it more.

 
All in all, if you’re still reading, and will continue to read; I thank you for your readership. If not, thanks for dropping by.

 
Cheers,
Addison

do you ever feel sometimes like you’re locked on an island. and you’ve a plane to escape. said plane which; if gained, would be what you’ve dreamed of for years. merely the change in your despicable state is welcome. this plane could possibly carry you to wonderful heights. a wonderful new life is attainable by this apparatus. however, it has a flaw. one that could cause the plane to come crashing and burning down, carrying you and it into the sea. the plane, on one hand, considering what it can potentially offer; is a blessing. while on the the other hand, it’s a horrible curse. if the plane didn’t exist, your situation would seem better, in that nothing better is attainable. in such a state, one finds a comfort in where they are, however horrible. but since the plane exists, even in its flawed state, it haunts you. you are terrified of making this move towards what could be undoubtedly better, and personally freeing. the plane keeps you from moving. the choice to move is halted by the terrifying knowledge that the effort could crash and burn.
damn the plane.